It's been so long

Oh man, has it been that long since I have blogged?! Craziness, that has pretty much been the state of my life lately and so blogging definitely took the back burner. I do miss it so I thought I would do a little update for you guys who still hang around here, if any.
So, the divorce is still happening, in fact Monday marks the 6 month period I had to wait to file here in Florida, then the ball will finally be rolling, I am just ready to not be in limbo of not living here long enough and all that. So we will see. yesterday would have been our 5 year anniversary. I spent the day working trying to take my mind off the last 5 years. As much as I want this divorce and know that it is what needs to happen, it makes me sad at times.I feel like I am losing my identity, the identity that I had for those almost 5 years. I fear that I will be alone, and yeah everyone says oh you're young, pretty ha, etc you won't end up alone, but who can really say what will happen?? I thought I had found that person years ago, but I turned out to be wrong. I don't think anyone ever gets married thinking in 5 years they will no longer be together. More than that I miss being a wife, yeah our marriage was terrible but I had that security and I enjoyed doing the wifely things, even though looking back they were very unappreciated.
 Justin wrote me a letter, well rather typed one up and sent it to me, basically saying sorry for the last 5 years and how he failed and all that jazz, wishing he could change things, in a way it was nice to see it in writing that he knows he wasn't focused on our family and then the other part of me was upset, why write it all down now? When it doesn't matter and it's too late.

Wow, I am rambling. But things are starting to come together.
I will be back with some fun things to blog about, lets face it no matter the circumstances divorce sucks.
But I know I will get through this and I will be a better and stronger person.

so long

Ahhh, it has been so long since I have posted anything up here. I guess, I just haven't had time or anything really exciting to write or talk about. It sis getting warmer here in Florida so we took advantage of my 4 day weekend! Which rarely ever happens and took out the boat to shell island. It was amazing, the water was so clear and we got to see some dolphins. I got some sun which is good because I do not fit in with all the tan people here! My feet got burned though :(

Sorry, its not a great update I promise to be back soon with some substance. But the sun has wiped me out!

second time's the charm

So I am starting to embrace this new life. I have had to face being alone, for the most part. I did get a job so I at least get a few seconds of adult interaction with customers and a little more with the usual's that come in practically every day. But what I have done not once but twice now since being here was go to the movies all by myself. The first time I went, I saw The Vow, and I will be honest I was a little bummed I had to go alone, but I really wanted to see it so I wasn't going to let being alone keep me from seeing it. And I am so glad I went, and yeah I almost chickened out when I got there and it was all couples pretty much but I put on my happy face bought my ticket and actually sat in the same row as another girl who was there alone. Totally made me feel better. It was a really great movie and I love that it was based on a true story, because lets face it, it sucks going to a romantic movie knowing that most of the nice stuff is made up...but this love really exists out there.

Then for the 2nd time I went and saw Act Of Valor last night. I actually remember getting an email a long time ago wanting Justin or I to be like extras or something, but I thought it was a fluke. Obviously, not. Anyways, same thing, no one to go with so I got to the movie theater which was a different one than before. There was one other guy in the theater, I kind of laughed to myself. Then a few more people came in. But it wasn't as packed. In case you haven't seen it, it was a really good movie and really well done. Sad? yes, very sad. From the beginning I figured out the story line a little and was fighting tears most of the movie. But I love that they used real SEALs which is supposedly controversial, anyways. It was just good.

I think I have got something going on here though. I am confident in myself to be able to attend a movie by myself. I don't care what people think, heck if they even notice that girl sitting alone. I don't NEED someone, and you know what? even if this is just a small thing like going to the movies alone, I will take it.

How about you guys, anyone ever went to the movies solo?
Oh, I've also already conquered eating out alone.
Just call me miss independent ;)

Sweet Tea

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Anyone that knows me knows that sweet tea is my absolute favorite thing to drink. I have a sweet tea maker and that thing has been used and used, I definitely got my money's worth out of it. That being said, I hate drinking water. Really, hate. It's just so blah. I have been drinking it more now that I go to the gym. But that's about it.
I probably have sweet tea running through my veins, I drink it all day! But lately, my face has been breaking out like crazy, and I wonder if it has to do with the gallons of this sweet stuff I consume? So, sadly I am giving up sweet tea. At least for a little while to see if my face clears up. I have already given up soda, and I have been doing really well, except for rum and cokes and other drinks that have soda in them...I haven't had one in weeks! But giving up my tea is going to be tough! I should have been born and raised in the south for how much I love this stuff!
And if ya'll have any secrets to pesky break outs let me know! It's quite annoying at 23!

happenings

I feel like I haven't been on here in a while and I am sure all 109 of you are dying to hear the excitement that is my life!....Oh how I wish there was a font for sarcasm.


Anyways, one big thing I finally got a job! Not one I really wanted, but at this point I don't care. It's on base at the shoppette the hours work so I don't need daycare and I already know how to work the register from working at AAFES previously. I had the opportunity to get a job at a rehab facility but it was only 5 hours a week! Which is insane. It just wasn't worth my time. So I had to turn it down. Hopefully, this will only be temporary as there is a job opening up at the housing office here on base...which is a contracted company, that would be full time, better money and have benefits for when I lose mine. So I am crossing my fingers I get that! I have already turned in my application and resume and shown my face there a few times. Let's hope that works!

I've got the girls shot records finally...I had Chloe's but when Justin went to get Rylee's in Alaska they were incomplete, like showing she only had 2 shots...she's almost 4. So I had to call Walter Reed directly and have them faxed. So now I can look into getting them into daycare part time and to get Rylee into preschool. She is getting to the age where she NEEDS to be around kids her age and get out of the house away from me. and I may need it too!

Other than that, nothing too exciting. Oh wait I got a car...A while ago actually. A little toyota corolla that I love. I go to the gym pretty much every night, except for the weekends because they close early.

Like I said. Very, very. Exciting things going on! ;)

Alone

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It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone - so far.  -Marilyn Monroe



Lately, I have been feeling extremely alone.
Of course I am not all alone, I have the girls and then I have my family here too.
I mean alone, in a relationship, adult interaction kind of way.
When you go from being married for almost 5 years, living away from home and then bam!, moving back, not being married anymore (technically we still are..) you feel alone.
I have been alone before, heck for most of my marriage I was alone.
This is just different.
It probably doesn't help that I don't know anyone here and that my days consist of taking care of the girls, then going to the gym when they go to sleep. I actually look forward to those miles with the treadmill.
And I feel like this feeling isn't gonna go away.
I do know one thing, I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life.
Even though I joke with my friend that I will be, and yeah part of me is scared of that happening. I really hope it doesn't.
Until then I need to shake this alone feeling.


....
and yes, I know I chose to end my marriage, for good reasons. So ironically I chose to be alone, but I have to say being alone is better than my marriage.

What I've learned.

Now before I start let me say you can take this post for as much as you want, I am not a marriage counselor...I mean come on y'all know how that is playing out for me. But maybe someone out there who's married, engaged or heck even you single people can take something from this and learn from my..well our mistakes.
So this is what I've learned.

Before you were together you were a total separate person with friends and a life, same as your man. You may not like his friends or he may not like yours, well they are your spouses friend for a reason so support them in that friendship. And he should do the same.

Don't keep tally on things "like oh well I took out the trash and did dishes so you get to do it now, if you have time do it. If you ask him to do it and he gets huffy just do it yourself and don't argue about it...even though that can be hard.

Let him go out on a boys night...and don't complain about it later. He should understand and do the same for you.

Even the closest couples need alone time. Each person should understand that and not take it personally.

Set up date nights or days weekly or biweekly if you can...(we failed at this miserably)

Support his dreams and ambitions even if they seem crazy to you, he should do the same. Now, I'm not saying you should be like "oh yeah quitting your job with benefits to be a clown sounds amazing babe, let's do it" Within reason ;)

Say thank you. I don't think you can say thank you enough.

Communicate, if you are one who will get mad but hold it in and not say something, then something minor comes along and you blow up and go on a tangent, try to communicate when you are initially mad.

When your arguing about something (everyone does, I don't care how "perfect" your marriage is) stay on that subject don't go all off on how a week ago they did this and that....

Don't stop trying. Once your married don't stop doing those romantic things (I guess this is more for the guys) show her that your still interested and trying. Not complacent because you "have" her now.


I had been thinking about this all day. What I've learned from my marriage. And even though it's ending, I still learned things. I learned how I should be treated, how I should treat someone and how to make a relationship work, which is probably pretty much the opposite of what our marriage was like.

Like I said you can take all this with a grain of salt. But I needed to say it.